Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Five Words. Part One:


As I walked through the shopping centre my heart pounded in my chest with expectation and fear. Even though the shopping centre was brand new and this was my first visit I was walking around aimlessly with unseeing eyes. The only thing that I had genuinely looked at since I had arrived twenty minutes earlier had been my own reflection in every mirror and window I had walked past. I keep checking and rechecking my appearance. Apart from the look of panic on my face I looked pretty good I thought. I was wearing a pair of tight black trousers that showed off my bottom and long slim legs to perfection, a bright blue top that nipped in at the waist and thanks to the frilled front hid my slight ‘Mummy tummy’ quite nicely. I also wore high heeled black ankle boots which are just plain sexy and a tiny leather jacket which is laughable to wear on what was a freezing cold, damp day in early January, but damn I looked good! I rarely wear my long, silky chestnut hair down as it is a nightmare to maintain, but right then it was brushed, straightened and hanging right down my back. My head might have looked fantastic on the outside but inside it was awash with too many thoughts, but none of them involved any of the goods on sale. I was not there to shop. I was there to, to, “Ruin your life you stupid cow!” my Mums voice screamed in my mind causing my heart to leap in my chest as though she were really there and really knew what I was up to. Actually, honestly I really didn’t know what the hell I was up to, well I mean I knew the reason why I really came, but I really, really don’t know why I responded the way I did, or what I hoped would happen as a result of my being there. Doubt crept in to my body and suddenly I felt like an absolute fool. I stopped walking when I saw a small seating area and gingerly lowered myself down on to one of the cold metal seats. I just wanted to catch my breath and take a minute to think before I dove in head first and ended up making a huge mistake, it was a shame that I hadn’t done this before I had left home but I hadn’t thought straight or even seen straight in almost 24 hours, I haven’t slept, or eaten or even breathed correctly since lunch time the day before and then I was suddenly fighting back tears that were both unwanted and illogical. I needed to think for a minute:

Just the morning before; I was peacefully sitting at my kitchen table working from home. I was in the middle of writing a very important report detailing the logistics as I understand them of our company ‘merging’ with another. Overtaking would be the more truthful description but the truth is sometimes ugly so we won’t go there. My manager gave me three days to work on the report from home, I then have to spend the day on Thursday working on it with him before we present our work to the board on Friday. The decision will take weeks or rather months and this is the first report of many that I will be writing on the subject as the whole merger is a big deal for the company and a very big deal for me personally, I have been heavily involved and will finally be getting a sizeable promotion if this goes well. When my eyes and head started to hurt I took a look at the time and realised that I had been working away for five hours straight without a break. In fact I hadn’t so much as made a drink or even glanced away from the screen the whole time. As it was lunch time by then anyway I got up make myself a coffee and a sandwich and sat down again at the kitchen table to eat. I found myself unable to think about anything other than the report so decided to have a little look on Facebook to distract myself for half an hour. I really don’t use it often but every now and again I have a little look to see what my family and old school friends are talking about. I flicked through a few messages but they were so old that I didn’t even bother to reply, I ‘liked’ my sisters’ photos of my nieces and nephews, and then started to read a few updates from an old school friend that I never really see any more. Sasha and I were inseparable all the way from nursery until about halfway through year 11. We swore that we would be best friends for life but we fell out towards the end of secondary school and even though we did both try to rebuild our friendship it was never the same again. So as soon as we both started at different colleges we immediately lost all contact. We found each other on Facebook about two years ago, but despite insisting that we should meet for coffee every time we message each other online, we haven’t seen each other since.
Anyway, I read through her posts a little mindlessly until I get to this one:

“I went to the new shopping centre in Stratford today and I bumped in to an old friend, Robin Banks! He is managing a designer clothes store there. What a small world!”

It might be a small world for her but on reading those few sentences my whole fucking world literally exploded!

Robin Banks. ROBIN BANKS! OMG! LOL! Scream! Fucking hell!!!! ROBIN BANKS!!!!

I tried to carry on working but it was almost impossible for me to concentrate on anything after that shock. All of the importance of the report seemed to slide away and an image of the last time I had seen Robin became the only thing that I could focus on. I even remembered what he was wearing that last night that we were together 14 years ago; he wore expensive dark blue jeans and a black cashmere v-neck jumper. On his feet were as ever the latest, most expensive trainers. I had bought him every item he was wearing, even down to the Calvin Klein boxer shorts and the black cotton socks on his feet! Memories of him burned in my mind. My whole body ached with the painful memories that he provoked and another part of me ached with lust for him, which is insane, I am a married woman!

I was so glad when it was finally time for me to collect the children from school and I was able to ‘put myself out of the misery’ of trying to work. I also relished the idea of getting some fresh air and hoped it would help to clear my mind a little. So I gratefully walked to the school and collected my lovely children, helped them with their homework, read both of them a story, cooked their dinners and bathed them before settling them down for bed, but the whole time I was functioning like a robot, all I could think about was Robin. It didn’t help that my husband, Philip had to take some clients out for a meal so wouldn’t be home until late, leaving me with far too much time to think.

Robin Banks started at our school at the start of year 10. He came in to the class dressed in the uniform but even though it was his first day his tie was already only three inches long, his feet were gleaming with the latest most expensive trainers (in black in a nod to the shoes only policy of the school), his brown hair was neat and spiked indicating that he looked messy in appearance by choice and not because he didn’t bother and basically he wore a ‘couldn’t give a fuck expression’ on his totally spot free, pretty boy face that made my heart beat like a drum. He totally ticked all of my ‘boys to fancy’ boxes as listed in just about every teen magazine I read! It was definitely love at first sight for me. I bet that if anyone had asked me that very second how many children Robin and I would have had I would have been able to list them in age order, tell them the gender of each child and bloody name all 11 of them on the spot. Without hesitation! Just merely ‘looking’ at him filled my mind and eyes with a mist making it impossible for me to think or even see straight. It didn’t clear again until my 21st Birthday!

So the teacher introduced him to the class, and yes the whole class couldn’t help but snigger at his name, even I laughed: well it was funny! He was told to sit at the table behind mine and I couldn’t help but turn round and start a conversation with him. But being 14 my conversation went along these lines: “Did they kick you out for like, robbing banks then, your old school?” (I know-such class)! Robin looked at me with his molten hot chocolate eyes and even though the expression on his face read annoyance, his eyes read ‘kiss me’ and oh my God I wanted to kiss that mouth right then and there!

“If I had a pound for every time some loser used that line” he yawned to prove his boredom.

“What?” I countered “You wouldn’t need to rob any more banks?” I was so happy when his sharp look back at me turned in to a laugh. His full pink mouth parted widely and the laugh was genuine and showed off his perfect white teeth. He had to give me that one; he had walked right in to it. I was also smugly self satisfied that no one had even used that line on him before. It had clearly caught him off guard. I flashed him a warm and genuine smile making sure to show off my own perfect pearly whites and happily turned back for the register. I was confident that I had made a pretty good first impression and that he would remember me.

I was pretty bemused however when he hardly spoke to me for the next few weeks. He made friends easily with the other boys as he was massively in to sport. He was bloody good too, at everything! He became a vital member of the football and basketball teams, and was also training to represent the school in both athletics and swimming by the half term. He was really bright academically too. The boys all got on great with him, nearly every girl fell in love with him and the teachers clearly thought that he was a statistical dream! Trust me he made our school look great! He was just too good to be true. Suddenly everyone knew him, all of the boys seemed to want to be him and sadly for me just about every girl in the school wanted to be ‘with’ him. It was madness!

For me that half term dragged past, slowly and painfully. I made sure that I was dressed to the nines every day (as far as school uniform rules and my strict parents would allow) and waited every day for Robin to talk to me again. When he didn’t make the first move I attempted to talk to him, he always answered me politely but always had to ‘head off’ for training or practice or stupid study session so I never got more than a minute of his time. I even tried out for the cheer leading team when someone dropped out just so that I could see him when he played basketball but sadly Sasha beat me to it. I was a little gutted that she accepted the place really as she knew how much it meant to me but what could I do? We broke up for half term on a Thursday that year as school was closed that Friday for teacher training day, or “teacher in the bloody pub day” as my Dad called it and I cannot tell you how happy I was when finally the bell sounded for the end of day and I was able to make my escape. It had been a rubbish day and I just wanted to go home, curl up in my bed and wait for the day to be over. I had argued with my Mum that morning as apparently she was sick of cleaning up after me all of the time. My mouth had responded before my brain could warn me that my Dad was standing behind me, so I got a slap off of him when I yelled back at my Mum that it was HER JOB to clean up after me, and it wasn’t like she actually WORKED! I always feel shame when I remember what a bitch I was to my Mum when I was growing up. That’s why I am so bloody nice to her now, pure guilt! My school day hadn’t been much better either. I had been in trouble for being late with my coursework for almost every subject and I had forgotten my PE kit and had been forced by the teacher to wear kit that was provided by the school. The shorts had been so small and tight I felt humiliated wearing them. I threatened the teacher that I was going to tell my Dad and sue him for sexual harassment and he gave me a lunchtime detention for being rude, so I hadn’t even been able to moon around the football field and freeze while I watched Robin show off his ball skills. The day had just been horrible. So I was very glad that school was out I would have time to catch up on all of my outstanding course work and even more so that I wouldn’t have to hear the word GCSE for ten whole days. That was about all I had to hope for as I had no plans and Sasha was going away with her family, mind you to be fair she had been so busy that half term that I had hardly seen her anyway. I didn’t mind much though; a week of slobbing around the house in my PJ’s and catching up on some coursework was exactly what I needed.

I started to make my way off of school grounds and was just rummaging in my school bag for my lipstick when I found Sasha’s red jumper. She had left it at my house one weekend and wanted it back before she left on Saturday for her holiday. So I did a u-turn and headed for the school gym where I knew she had Cheerleading Practice. I was just pushing the door to the gym open when Robin came bounding up behind me in his basketball kit, causing my heart to leap and face to blush just by him being present. “Let me take that” he offered and pushed the heavy door open for me. He held it open very gentlemanly as I entered the hall and looked for Sasha. “Who are you looking for?” he asked with gentle amusement, clearly I wasn’t known for my sporting talent.

“Sasha. From our class” I added in case he didn’t know her yet, “I wanted to give her jumper back to her” I added waving the jumper in his face.

“She isn’t here yet” he replied with a familiarity that made my heart sink, “shall I take it and pass it along?” I wanted to say no, I really didn’t want to give them a reason to get talking. Sasha was a little too popular with the boys for my liking thanks to her good looks, long dark hair, tiny frame but annoyingly big boobs even at 14! But this thought made me feel stupid so I just handed the jumper to him and thanked him. Sasha was my best friend; she knew how much I liked Robin and would never betray me I decided, so clearly I had nothing to fear. As I turned to leave Robin put his hand on my arm, halting me without words. His mouth moved close to my ear and turned my stomach in to jelly as he murmured “Your arse looked so hot in those shorts. Are you free on Monday so that we can discuss why teeny tiny shorts look so good on you?” I honestly couldn’t speak; I couldn’t have uttered a single word for anything in the whole world so I just nodded. “Good. I will meet you outside of school at 10am.” More nodding from me and then he was gone leaving me to stagger off on spaghetti legs. Once I was safely outside school I screamed and danced with glee. I had a date with Robin! He called my arse sexy! That was when my love of bottom hugging clothing was born. It is still going strong to this day.

I tried over and over again to call Sasha. We didn’t have mobile phones then. Few kids did, Robin did obviously. Her Mum constantly told me she was out all of Thursday evening and Friday day. They left for their holiday on that Saturday morning so I never got the chance to tell her my wonderful news. I didn’t get the chance to get her advice on what I should wear. I missed her but was so excited that I managed to put it to the back of my mind for the most part. Monday eventually turned up and I met Robin who was an hour late. I was nearly crying by the time he turned up but all of the angst and annoyance vanished in an instant when he finally turned the corner. We hung out in the park, ate pizza, talked ten to the dozen and I really, really fell in love with him. We spent every day together that half term holiday. I sort of managed to catch up on coursework as Robin took some time away from me for his various sports activities, but I did see him every single day.

I lost my virginity to him on the Friday in a toilet in the park, but then he disappeared that weekend without warning leaving me terrified and humiliated. Again I tried and tried all day Saturday to call Sasha without success. I really, really needed to talk to my friend, but she was never ‘available’ when I called her house. My frustration levels were at boiling point on that Sunday morning between her and Robin just vanishing when I needed them both, but then Sasha finally knocked on my front door. She had clearly been crying and asked if we could go for a walk. I agreed without hesitation and quickly ran upstairs to throw some clothes on. I was dying to tell her my news, but of course I had to find out what was wrong with her and make sure that she was o.k. first. The long and short of it was that she had been with Robin for three bloody weeks and hadn’t told me! He then told her about us! According to Sasha he only ‘went’ with me to punish her for going on holiday as he reckoned that she was going to sleep around while she was away. I was reeling! I shouted at her and cried demanding that she explain why she hadn’t told me about them. She shouted and yelled that she just couldn’t tell me given that I was forever THROWING myself at him! She screamed that I lost my self respect when he walked in to our classroom and I screamed and yelled that she had lost her friend! She claimed that he had spent the whole of Saturday begging her for forgiveness and pleading with her to give him another chance. The 14 year old ‘me’ didn’t believe her but the adult ‘me’ knows this to be the truth. He had more luck with me; I took him back without any hard work required on his part. I couldn’t help myself. He turned up at my house half an hour after I got back from seeing Sasha, told me that he loved me and that he had never wanted Sasha and I just lapped it up without question and threw myself in to his arms. I really was totally, blindly in love with him. My only stipulation was that we ‘go public’. I didn’t want to make the same mistake that Sasha had made. So that Monday we were official. Sasha hated me but I didn’t care. I had Robin. Robin Banks had totally stolen my heart! Later that term Sasha and I tried to rebuild our friendship, but Robin was dead against me hanging around with her, so it never really worked out.

The adult ‘me’ was now lying in bed next to my sleeping husband remembering all of this. Thinking about how often Robin told me that I was sexy and that I had a sexy arse and even used to kiss it whenever he could! I looked at Phillip sleeping soundly next to me. Thanks to the alcohol he drank with his meal, which apparently went very well, he was in a very deep peaceful sleep. I acknowledged to myself what a good man, a great husband and an excellent father Phillip was. I didn’t doubt that he loved me, but I wondered what exactly it was that he thought of me. Before I could stop myself I was shaking Phillip awake. His crumpled sleepy face looked bewildered as he tried to comprehend what was going on. “What five words would you use to describe me” I demanded sitting up with expectation.

“What?” he asked genuinely confused and more than a little annoyed “what the hell are you going on about?”

“I want to know what five words you would use to describe me” I demanded unapologetically.

Philip groaned rolled over and placed a pillow over his head. As he did so I heard him grumble “Pain. In. The. Fucking. Arse! There, that’s five”. I hit his head through the pillow and scolded that, that wasn’t what I had in mind. “You genuinely expected me to make up FROM MY SLEEP and come up with five words, just, like, that!” he yelled still from under the pillow. I growled for him to forget it, and his snores reassured me that in fact he already had. Well, that little venture put me in a bad bloody mood I mused grouchily. I ended up getting up out of my bed and making my way down the stairs for coffee. I wrapped my dressing gown tightly around myself. The house was freezing! Before I even reached for the switch on the kettle I had already decided that I would be travelling to Stratford to find Robin in the morning. I don’t really know what I thought I would ‘get’ from going but my mind was made up before my brain had the chance to even think about the dangers. Once my coffee was made I emailed my manger telling him that I had urgent family issues to deal with and would be away from the report for a while the following day. I assured him that I would be up all night working on the report and that no matter what it took I would be ready for Thursday. Within minutes I have an email agreeing that he didn’t care when I worked my hours as long as they are worked! I knew that he would say that and as I have never failed to meet a deadline I also knew that he wouldn’t be too concerned despite the importance of the task I am working on. And so I worked away from around midnight until around 5am when I gave up and took a nap until I had to get the children up at 7am. Unlike the previous afternoon my work was sharp, focused and purposeful. I was a woman on a mission in more ways than one and I knew that the report would be fantastic. Fear, determination and reckless abandonment had set me on fire!

I got the children fed and out of the door even though it was actually Philip's turn to take them to school. We always took turns weekly to drop the children off, although most days it was me who picked them up again as he worked slightly longer hours than me each week. Philip is a banker, and no don’t read that as a smarmy wanker. Yes he is very good at his job, and makes a ton of money but he is a very good man. Generous and kind are definitely words that I would use to describe him. We generally work well as a unit and everything is run very efficiently. I was obviously a little quiet and distracted and Philip assumed that I was annoyed with him because he wouldn’t tell me the five words. He was half amused to think that this had upset me and also a little baffled about why that would have upset me. He was tip toeing around me all morning trying to gently mock me into a better mood but also slightly nervous about pissing me off more. I bet you that he checked the calendar to see if it was PMT causing this mood! I decided to let him stew; it seemed a better option than him knowing the real reason for my odd mood! He and I never talk about Robin, if his name even gets mentioned in passing my husband gets in to a foul mood. You would think that after almost 12 years of marriage he would have dealt with his issues of insecurity, but no, apparently not. Mind you I wasn’t in the position to judge any more. It seemed that neither of us had dealt with our issues where Robin was concerned! Phil did comment on my attire for the school run as he of course knew that I was meant to be working from home and obviously was more than a tad over dressed! The thing is that I could not bring myself to outright lie to him, but I huffily told him that there had been a change of plan and stomped out of the house to avoid having to offer further explanation.

So there I was, sitting in a huge shopping centre having a minor panic attack about what I was doing! I was dressed like a diva but behaving like the village idiot. I still didn’t really understand what it was that I was doing there. I still don’t know what I thought I was expecting to happen as a result of my being there, apart from pissing my husband off to the point of divorce. If Phil ever found out about this, well, let’s just say that it wouldn’t go too well for me and leave it at that. It was actually a wonder that I would even want to see Robin again after all of the rubbish he put me through. We were so, so bad for each other, always drunk or high when we were together, always fighting or fucking. There was never any middle ground with us. There was never any peace and everything was all on his terms. Yet, we were addicted to each other, me from the start of course, but it grew that way for him too. I used to hum a little rhyme when I was little. It went:

‘There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good she was very, very good
And when she was bad she was horrid”.

That was exactly what our relationship was like, the good times were too good and the bad times were just too bad, and it just all got to be too much. Somehow for Rob I was just never enough, he cheated on me endless times, but like I fool I took him back over and over again because in my eyes no one could ever match up to him. In the end he stopped even apologising for his awful behaviour. It just seemed to become accepted that he was a bastard and that I would put up with it. I think actually he was playing a game to see how much I would take before I ‘snapped’.

I actually ended our relationship on my 21st Birthday. That was the day that he finally found the straw that would break my back:

We were living in a really dingy bedsit at the time. Apart from our room everything was shared. The house was always filthy and stank because apart from me no one cleaned up after themselves, and the washing machine was broken so I spent a lot of my time in the laundrette. Robin refused to come and help me as apparently that was woman’s work. I actually hated living there but we didn’t have much money and our parents had thrown us out so we had nowhere else to go. Actually to be fair Robin’s parents threw him out after finding us having sex in their kitchen while drunk out of minds thanks to his Dads Vodka and high from smoking weed (thanks to his brother but we kept quiet about that part)! My parents obviously refused to let him move in to our house when I asked and also stated that they would kick me out if I ever let him cross the threshold, so I left. I was 19 years old at this time and naturally thought that I knew it all. I was convinced that Robin and I would spend the rest of our lives together and that my family would come to accept that in the end.

Money was really tight; we both had to leave college to find full time work so that we could afford to pay for the privilege to live in that flea pit. Robin worked in bars and his money just about paid the rent, if he didn’t drink/gamble it all away that was, my money from working in a cheap clothes shop just about covered food and a little fun. Living together was stressful though and we were fighting a lot. In supermarkets, bars, the house, the street, everywhere we went we either fought or made up! Having sex in random places was rather a theme for us, as was public toilets. Life was chaos. Still, it was my Birthday and it was Saturday night so I figured that Robin would have some type of surprise in store for me. I had been working all day but rushed home full of excitement for what he had planned. I entered the house and realised that it was dark, a little shard of excitement rose within me when I saw that our bedroom door was unlocked, meaning that he was home, in the dark. He must be planning a surprise party for me right? I did get a surprise though.


I pushed the door open and there was Robin in bed having sex with the apparently very energetic girl from room 3, she was bouncing around on top of him like he was a sodding pogo stick, AND joining them was her friend! That scene burns my eyes whenever I am forced to think about it. I just went mental! I dragged room 3 out of my bed by her ratty blonde hair, kicked her in the face and threw her out of the room NAKED. She was so shocked that she didn’t even have the chance to defend herself let alone fight back. Terry from room 5 had run out on to the landing at the sound of the latest drama to see what was going on and what a show he got! The friend ran past me completely naked and a very nude, still erect Robin was trying desperately to prise me off of room 3’s hair!

The most mental thing happened to me in that moment, well even more mental than what was already going on. It was as if I rose out of my own body and calmly I actually saw the scene beneath me as though I was only watching, not actually in it! The first thing I thought when I saw my wild, angry, screaming face was how thin and unhappy I had become. I looked at least 20 years older than my age, and this, this was how I was spending my long awaited 21st Birthday. I then looked at Robin. He looked just as old, and wild and angry, like as if he had the right! He wasn’t even good looking anymore, drugs and drink had killed the looks, he had dropped out of all of the sports that he had once excelled in, his skin was spotty and sallow, he was broke, and he was what I was fighting over! Then I looked at Terry, he was leaning over the banister laughing like this insane scene was the funniest show on T.V! Suddenly I realised what a pathetic freak show my life had become and I really didn’t want that any longer. Without warning I sort of whooshed back in to my body. I instantly dropped number 3, walked back in to my room slamming the door behind me and started to pack.

A very short time later Robin came back in to the room and silently started to dress. I could feel him watching what I was doing very closely. He sat on the edge of the bed and waited for me to say something. He was nervous for the first time since I had known him, he was sitting right on the edge of the bed as though he might have to run at any moment, his head was bowed and he sat staring intently at the thumbs that he was twiddling. Either he was trying to work out what to say or more than likely he was hoping that his silence would force me to speak. I just ignored him and carried on packing. “Wow you are actually pretty pissed off!” He ventured with what I took to be mock surprise. I jumped round to look at him and to be fair, he was visibly bemused! I really, really didn’t want to argue any more, to be that mad, crazy beast that I had become any more so I just stated that yes, I was pissed off, and further more would be pissing off-permanently! I also informed him that when I had expected a surprise for my 21st Birthday, this hadn’t been what I had in mind! He actually told me that it was entirely my fault because I hadn’t told him that it was my Birthday and had he of known that it was we would have been in the pub by now rather than be at home fighting! If I had have needed one; that would have signalled the final nail being hammered into the coffin for me. I sped up my packing tenfold!

“Are you really leaving?” he persisted.

“Yes Robin” I asserted looking him straight in the eye to be sure that he understood that I was definitely serious “I am leaving this shithole! I am leaving you! I am leaving this shitty, not fucking worth it, crap excuse for a fucking relationship RIGHT FUCKING NOW” I screamed the final half of that sentence and my spittle sprayed everywhere which revolted me despite my temper!! So much for a calm and serene exit!
“I’ll save you the fucking effort” he seethed tying up the laces to the trainers I had bought him weeks before for his 21st Birthday present! I had cooked him a meal, taken him to the pub and shagged his brains out that night, what a change for my celebrations! “I’ll fucking go instead”, and without any further comment he walked out. Just like that. He never even took anything with him, just walked out in the clothes he was wearing.

I didn’t really know what to do after that. The wind had literally been taken out of my sails. I dropped to the floor and cried. I was so grateful that finally it was over. Finally I was free, but there was a sense of panic at the same time. Was I really going to give up on him?

I actually left a week later. I went back to my Mother’s house and to be truthful she was totally lovely about it. Like I had been that night, Mum was so glad that finally it was over. Sadly my Dad died very shortly after I left home so he never saw it ‘come right’ again. My final crazy act was to light a bonfire in the front garden and to burn all of Robin’s possessions; including his ID, gifts he had bought me and the bedding he had betrayed me in! It felt great at the time. That was my last insane act though. Once Robin left my life I suddenly found me again! Happy go lucky, fun loving me! Sure I was older and wiser but it was wonderful to be me again. To be honest though, somewhere in the tiniest, darkest part of my mind there was a little feeling of unease. It really didn’t feel like we had actually finished our business so to speak. Sure the jumper had been knitted, but the final thread was still hanging loose and I was scared that a tiny little tug might just unravel the whole thing.

Back in the shopping centre these memories still held power over me. I was rooted to the cold, hard seat and my whole body, mind and soul felt as raw as though it had only just happened to me that very day. The pain hadn’t seemed to get easier even though this all happened more than 14 years ago. I have been happily married for almost 12 out of those 14 years, and I’m a mother to two beautiful children. So that lead me to wonder again, why am I here? Why am I crying in public yet again? But most of all why does this still affect me so much? I really wanted to show him how successful I had become without him, I wanted to shove it right in his face how great my life was and how I hadn’t missed him for a second, but suddenly that felt really stupid. At least I had finally come to my senses. Finally I recognised that my being there was a very bad idea. This place and more specifically Robin had no answers for me so I really, really need to just leave. Without giving myself the chance to change my mind back again I was on my feet and heading out the way that I came in. I was walking as fast as my high heeled feet could carry me. The door slid open and I marched out back in to the fresh air once again. I felt elated as I gasped in the cool, crisp air feeling like I made it home safe already! Disaster averted! Crisis avoided! And then, smack! There right in front of me, smoking a cigarette while talking in to a mobile phone was Robin! Within two seconds I noted that he looked, amazing. He was fresh, clean and dressed in the most divine grey Armani suit. He had aged very, very well and was the most handsome that he had ever been. He looked pretty pissed off though and was practically yelling down the phone that he was talking into.

Before he had the chance to spot me I basically made a dash for the train station but I am too late. “Wow! Now there’s a real blast from my past” Robin exclaimed as I tried to run past him. He hung up on whoever he was talking to without even saying goodbye and once again, his hand on my arm stopped me dead in my tracks.


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